About a month directly after I received my rejection for PhD study at the University of Leeds I was having a beer with the lecturers who had interviewed me. We discussed why I didn't get the position, and one of the over-riding features was that they knew as well as I did that I didn't want it. They knew I didn't want to be in England anymore, but probably didn't know why. I'm not sure I have really known why beyond almost everywhere seeming better until recently. I said to them that I was 'done with England' and was told that that was a bit strong for a 21 year old and that England must have done something to me.
Listening to BBC radio 4 on the drive up to Leeds today I was reminded of my mental turmoil when it comes to thinking about my home. There are so many things I love about England and Britain, but recently, when weighing up the pros and cons of this nation the negatives far outweigh the positives. I don't see my immediate future here and I'm not sure I would want to come back for good.
This is a political rant.
This is about the things I hate.
I hate very little.
I can't lie, I can't remember lying in the last 7 years of my life, and before this I can't remember the things I did well enough to validate whether I was a lier or not. I have a guilty conscience; if I make a mistake that affects others I will not let myself rest until I have worked out how to make it better; unless I have made my actions clear. I therefore cannot understand how people can lie, and moreover I can't abide by people lying to me. Lying is something I hate, dishonesty in itself is terrible, but deliberately misleading people for your own gains is unforgivable. I have made mistakes, I have done things I regret, and I pay for them. How Nick Clegg can live with himself is beyond me, at least the Tories have done what is expected of them.
I hate the current government. For so many years I had no understanding of politics in any way; my parents are not overly political, so it was not until Sian taught me some of the basics of politics that I felt I was able to discuss it (albeit quietly for fear of being wholly wrong). Therefore my first formative experience of a prime-minister was really Gordon Brown. Brown is flawed, but I long for him to still be in power, or at least leading the opposition. The opposition is hideously weak, I don't think Brown would have let labour be this weak. The liberals have sold out, and the Tories are just c***s.
There is nothing politically for me in England. On watching the results of the 2010 election I shed a tear seeing Brown leave. I knew then that I wouldn't be happy in England for quite a while. I love the BBC, I love the ideals of advert free entertainment and news. I love the ideals of the NHS, and my experience of the NHS has only been positive. I know that there is a lot of negativity around the NHS, but I can only speak from experience. When 6Music was threatened I was saddened and motivated. When the health reforms were announced and the doctors showed their dismay I was disheartened. Now the health reforms are being passed and the doctors still oppose them, it doesn't seem that there is any point to fighting. I am being walked all over.
No-one is fighting strongly enough for us in the halls of power. I trust no-one in power. Strangely I am close to trusting Boris purely because he is openly mad, and I trust him to be absolutely ridiculous. When I think about it, and how unjust the riots were last year, I'm still un-surprised it happened. It was completely the wrong thing to have done, and people involved should be punished. They did not achieve anything useful. However, when no one is listening then you shout.
My views are at odds. I will not riot, I will get on with it. However I can't stand the state Britain is in. I am done with England. I see little future in this country for me. Even if I can't get funding for the PhD position I have in New Zealand, come Christmas, I won't be here. And although I will be sad to say goodbye to my friends and family, I won't be sad to be rid of England.